#Satire | Man Throws Fit, Equates Tinder To The Establishment

In today’s episode of what the fuck Internet?!, a man’s wits were caught unfurling by a by-stander’s phone, who snappily upsailed the indignant material to Facebook.

“Shit was funny b, c’mon. I mean, that dude just went buck wild on some bullshit. It’s like he was on drugs or something. Watseba makgowa a jwang mos,” said Sean Pistols, the video’s owner.

Questioned about specific events in the video, Pistols responded by saying that he was a ‘bit too blazed’ to recall details. “I just uploaded the shit and dipped by, it’s not that deep fam, truss mi,” he said

Mtswakolista Mreppa got alerted to the video’s existence when a mutual friend tagged him on Pistols’ Facebook post. Mreppa, who moonlights as a ‘nighttime party-time kinda guy’ according to his profile on the data-pilfering social media giant, ripped the video, and used software to tag his Soundcloud and Instagram links on before uploading it onto the 60,000-follower strong Mzansi Humorz he founded and administers.

“I just thought ‘now this is the typa content I signed up for,” said Mreppa when approached him for an interview.

After playing a 15-second snippet from Mreppa’s latest single “Mageza”, the video reveals a man in distress. He goes on a tirade about how ‘Tinder’s the fuckin’ establishment’; how the women on it the are ‘all fake and probably stupid anyway’; and how they’re is missing out by swiping left on his immaculate pictures and his bio, which he hired ‘an expert with 20 years’ experience’ to write.

“Man, I’m telling you,” continued the man when contacted two days after Mzansi Humorz’s version went viral. “That shit’s poison b. It’s designed to obfuscate the very consciousness of people. It’s all these numbers. These [algorythms] got us by the nuts, it’s mass programming bro,” ranted the man, who still can’t be named due to an outstanding case, unrelated to his outburst Tinder-related outburst.

The man continued to tell us that he was paying ‘premium coinage’ for nothing, and veered off into rhetorical questions such as whether the women knew he had the sauce, and boasting of having money ‘long enough’ to afford the women of Tinder a lifestyle ‘most gals their age would die for’.

This incident happens two weeks after another Tinder-related story emerged.

Nairobi-based Juniorsky Math’angi is reported to have launched an on-line petition requesting that the app reduce his age by ‘at least 30 years’. Math’angi, who shall turn 80 come 2019, says ladies may not believe that he’s still got it in him ‘to keep going’. He took a step further to assure the Daily Times of Nairobbery that his engine still runs at a hundred percent, and stop short of demonstrating his prowess live in front of the Daily’s staff reporter, a young woman.

“If only they would reduce my age. I have already booked a photoshoot with my buddy Patson’s grandson Osborne [Macharia], which will be based on his Kabangu series. I wanna go all the way and upscale my swagg. Even at my age I’m still a lady’s man, but it’s vital that my youth reflects in my Tinder age,” said Math’angi.

The man’s 90-second video clip had amassed just under a million views as of writing.

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