#Satire | Man Loses Plot, Arrests Another For Being At The Wrong Place, At The Wrong Time

People who’ve no frigging clue how these innercity Jozi streets operate act all forms of shook when their outsider asses encounter even the slightest of discomforts.

Such was the case with Herman Mashaba when he decided to take a stroll and catch a vibe in the Summer heat.

The Johannesburg mayor, creator of Black Like Me and peddlar of xenophobic rhetoric — he’s defended it as being ‘quoted out of context’ before — decided to channel his time towards instituting a citizen’s arrest on a homie pushing a trolley filled with cowheads just the other day.

As usual, mainstream media bbz were on hand to craft the most appalling, tone-deaf headlines for the clicks.

“Man arrested in Joburg CBD for possession of 20 cow heads,” read one; “Herman Mashaba makes his first citizen’s arrest – and it’s gory,” went another that also comes with a warning: Graphic images.

Oh lordt jizzuz of 2018!

On any give day, da Skrilla can be found enjoying cowhead meat (image: Tšeliso Monaheng)

“I can’t imagine my Mondays without nyama yentloko,” said Sizwe Bonzai da Skrilla, who like millions of other in-and-outers utilizes Bree taxi rank to commute to and from work. On any given day, da Skrilla can be found lamming during his lunch hour, enjoying the innercity dellicacy normally served by first class queens operating along taxi routes.

“Eurgh, this is gelykstelling on steroids; it’s swart gevaar wearing a cracked mask, wondering why its bloedvermenging nightmares are wont to turn into reality. He mos jus’ get with the program and stop being a doos. Thina s’khathele!” exclaimed passer-by Anele Griquastan when asked for her thoughts.

In Jeppestown, this meat keeps many a taxi driver well-fed while on a break from their routes to and from Bree.

Ma-Zondo, one of the ladies who peddle this delicacy to regular customers and passers-by, isn’t impressed.

“Vele govamente e ya re bolaya waitsi? Eversince ba jinda Zuma…and I’m not saying gore Zuma e ne le motho o right, but it’s better than this Thuma Mina enterprise ye ba e dirang,”

Social media was awash with its usual troupe of goodie-two’s. “” commented James Eeedyaat, whose tweet went viral a few minutes afterwards, making it just in time for the 1pm news on eNCA.

Some of the questions one can ask: Is it a requirement that people in this city carry identification documents with them every time? Is that how you established that the man in question wasn’t documented.

UPDATE: Herman’s issued an apology. Not for arresting the man, but for a tweet that the media’s watering down as ‘bordering on xenophobia’.

Uwoah mntase, must be nice to there by the fence while the life-threatening consequences of your utterances reverberate through this fuckin’ city!

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